Decisions, decisions

Somehow a month has passed since I last wrote. Intellectually, I know how it did, but it still seems impossible. The trip to Michigan was exhausting. Traveling like that just kills me.. something like 30 hours in the car is not really relaxing. Plus, I had my bridal shower. There are a lot of things I have to say about it, a lot of emotions that I've been trying to find the time and the energy to put into words since then, and I think that I might be able to talk about some aspects of the shower a little more calmly and with more objectivity than before. Of course, that makes it sound like something terrible went down, and that's not the case at all. Overall, it was a lovely shower, I had a good time, and I appreciate everyone who made an effort to come or send a card. There were just some... things.. that overshadowed some of that. I know I'm being vague, but I'll explain soon.

Since we got back to Missouri after my spring break, I've been generally unhappy. Charlie and I had reached the point after a long winter spent cooped up together that we were just getting on each other's nerves constantly, so it's been good for us to have a break from each other while he's been out of state working. Timing, however, is a bitch (among other choice words). OF COURSE some asshole would break my car window and steal my gps (which I swear was put away out of sight??) while I was home by myself. It's not like it would have been shitty enough if Charlie had been home, too. Nope, thanks universe. So yeah, I spent the better part of Sunday dealing with that. I feel sorry for my neighbors for having to deal with my hysterics. They were super nice to me and incredibly helpful, though. Some guy who lives in the next building over helped cover my window socket (I made that up, but I think it's fitting. Or, at least I think I made it up?) and cleaned up pretty much all the glass by himself. I need to make cookies for him and my other neighbor as a thank you.. or maybe soon I'll just be able to help them out when their windows get broken! I figure it's just a matter of time. If we hadn't already been planning on moving, that would have made our decision for us. We'd been intending to move out of KC proper, probably to a suburb on the Kansas side, but...

I'm starting to toy with the idea of not coming back for a second year with TFA. I know that I committed to doing this for two years, but at some point one needs to evaluate the cost vs. the benefit. I think we all know I have a big heart (somewhere.. ha). I love babies and puppies and generally turn into a puddle at the sight of anything remotely cute, I cry pretty much every time I watch TV (and I'm a goner for Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice), I let people drill big needles into my pelvic bones last fall to give my bone marrow to a leukemia patient I've never met, and then flew to Denver for a decidely not-fun follow-up procedure for that patient.. I'm not trying to sing my own praises here. My point is that I'm a big softy and I like to help people. That's why I took this position. But, at some point I need to put my own well-being first. The stress and the depression that I've dealt with this year have taken their toll, physically, mentally, emotionally. I need to figure out what's best for me, and what's best for Bear. Everything I've had to deal with, he's had to deal with as well. It's been rough. What really set the wheels turning for me was that the school district laid off a lot of teachers last week. From my understanding, every non-tenured, non-TFA teacher was given a pink slip. I may not be a bad teacher, per se, but I do know that I don't deserve to keep my job while many of my colleagues lose theirs. That is, of course, not to say that I am a worse teacher than all of them, because that's not true, but I do know that some of the people who were fired are phenomenal teachers. Now, I haven't had anything negative directed at me from any of them, nor would I anticipate it next year when the district brings in a huge influx of new TFA teachers. However, I am unhappy with the climate here, and I'm reasonably certain that even if I stay I don't want to teach after this, so.. decisions, decisions.

Either way, though, we're moving out of the ghetto. June can't come soon enough.